So I'm having one of those days....well one of those weeks to be honest....but I feel the need to have a little moment and this seemed to be the perfect forum....strap on your bitch goggles....this one's going to be a doozy...
Sometimes...when you live in a place that is so different from everything you've ever known....you have days where you just miss home. period. And on those special days EVERYTHING about the place you're in....especially the people...make you want to punch something cute and furry right smack dab in the face. Today was no exception for me. Let me start at the very beginning....
From the moment I work up this morning I wanted to slap someone....we're talking about sooo raging the term "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" doesn't even begin to touch it. (but that's for a different post, a different day...and probably a different blog all together) So I decided to do what I do best...put my big girl panties on...and get over it all by myself...with the help of my two friends Target and Starbucks. I feel the need to let the world know that I have two loves in this life....and they are Target and Starbucks....they are the simple pleasures in my life that can right any wrong....I can spend hours in Target and spend endless amounts of money I don't have any day of the week....until today. Today....this friendship may be over. (Or at least put on hold until I return to a land of people with manners). The people of Iowa have NO manners....and no this is not an exaggeration....I am in fact holding them fully accountable for the end of a perfectly happy love affair. Let me list it out for you: Please read this list carefully....because if you are indeed one of these people...you need to check yourself and all that you consider sacred. It's time for a come to Jesus moment.
- First and foremost...your mother should have taught you long before now....to look both ways. NO ONE here looks both ways....HELL they hardly even look ONE way when crossing traffic. And every single time I have to fight that little devil on my shoulder not to come dangerously close to almost running them over and ending their ignorant life. I used to get mad at people for the lack of a courtesy wave....but I'm pretty sure looking both ways trumps courtesy waves in the book of pedestrian etiquette every time.
- Second.....and this goes hand in hand with point #1....outside of your own little bubble...is called the world. Open your eyes...and welcome to it. If I have said it once...I have said it a million times...people here do.not.care. We're talking beyond DGF. The traffic light is green....the Iowan says: I'm going to sit here till it turns yellow what?!.....Oh and don't even get me started on who's supposed to yield to who at a 4 way stop....IT'S CALLED DRIVERS ED PEOPLE!!! And as I sit here and stew over the lack of knowledge when it comes to the rules of the road here...point #3 that I'm about to make...is now becoming painfully clear to me....
- When in Target...there are "sides" to an isle...especially the major ones. Find yours and get in it...we are in America! Sure there's no painted yellow line down the middle...but hell here...maybe their should be! There is no rhyme or reason to ANY flow of traffic when it comes to isles in Target. It's how I imagine mine fields in a war zone. People are coming at you from every angle and every direction....and you best try your hardest not to bitch slap the lady that side swipes you with her buggy because you guessed it...there is no "oh my goodness I'm so sorry's" in this part of the country only DGF's! And oh you see somebody you know....just stop in the middle of the isle so people have to maneuver around you in the maddness. Never should that ever be allowed...simply pull your cart out of the way of traffic and catch up with your friend....it's.not.that.hard.
- Oh you were changing lanes in the check out line.....please...go ahead of me as I was clearly here before you. By all means...don't worry about the person behind you with 2 items! In people's obvious lack of awareness of the world around them...it is not uncommon to get cut off when choosing your checkout lane....but don't you think for one little second that ANYONE will give up being first in line. If you do let someone go ahead of you with fewer items...I kid you not people look at you funny. It's called home training...obviously lacking in Iowa households for generations.
As I stew and stew over all the miserable-ness that was my last ever weekend Target makes me happy run...I realize the list could go on...for bullets and bullets....but even all the rants my sweet southern heart could muster would never change the minds of these hardened Iowans. And that my friends is the saddest point of this whole post. Say your prayers for this sad state....they are leading the way to hell in their lazily woven hand basket.
Even on the rainy days the sun will shine again....here's to hoping for a better tomorrow....for the sake of all things cute and furry....until we're home again...may the bitchy days be fewer and farther between.....Amen.
